I think that as gay people we are tapping into a comparison trap: while straight people are attracted to “the other,” we, as gays, are attracted to “the same,” which defines to us that what we’re attracted to is what’s generally considered ‘attractive’. It’s like, where will I get a ‘confirmation’ that I’m enough: myself or random strangers? Same vs. looking at myself and what makes me happy. There are better and worse days, and I’ve noticed that the key to the shift is comparison to other people vs. While I was working – and solving – some of these issues in therapy throughout the years, there have been things that I still struggle with, like making friends and feeling good about myself, about how I look, or my other imperfections. I was never even worthy of showing the world who I really am. I wasn’t good enough for my parents, and I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me, and harshly judging myself because it was never enough. I was never ‘good enough’ like the other boys, and I was never one of the girls. Not only did I suffer from bullying because I was too feminine and didn’t play soccer, the sound of whispering and giggling behind my back was the soundtrack of my childhood. I grew up into shame at a very young age. But I’m going to question their benefit to our mental health. I’m not going to bitch about hot men here. But after a while of looking at your feed of men with toned muscles, hair in all the right places, eyes that say ‘let’s cuddle’ and perfectly-shaped chins, we should ask ourselves: are we more turned on or more sad? It is WE who told them in the first place that this is what we want to see: we follow men on Instagram just because the way they look, we want to see the hottest looking men have sex on Porn Hub, and sometimes we click on an article on the internet just because the subject of the article is cute. Gay porn, gay magazines, gay dating apps, and even Instagram-they all “sell” us unanimously-agreed hot men as the currency of our time and attention, and as a way to make money off of us.Īnd this is, of course, not random. But how much of it is constantly being fed by things that I don’t even notice that I’m doing?Ī quick search on Google images for “gay” leads the results of what Google thinks we all want to see: perfectly-shaped muscular torsos in shorty-shorts, with perfect smiling masculine faces. Knock it off, and quit contributing to the problem.For years I’ve been struggling with shame, thinking that I’m not good enough. However, I fear that gay men, in their attempt to conform and feel good enough, will suppress their beautiful, different perspectives in an attempt to fit the masculine ideal. The beauty of the LGBTQ+ community is that it brings diversity and a much-needed differing perspective into our world. And while you’re at it, quit shaming other gay men for being feminine or having “gay” interests. Stop choosing your friends based primarily on their physical attractiveness. If you don’t want to be scrutinized and shamed, then stop doing it to others. For example, I practice daily meditation to help with this and highly recommend apps like Headspace to get you started if you’re looking for a beginner’s guide to meditation. Practice giving yourself self-acceptance before you enter into such environments and grow your ability to recognize when you give that power away to someone or something else. Are you triggered by certain gay bars? Do certain “friends” in your life make you feel ugly when you’re in their presence? Prepare yourself before you interact with these triggers. Become aware of which people and environments cause you to feel triggered and run for the gym to pump more iron. Consider it a complimentary Emotions 101 class.
Will Meek on how to recognize and process emotion. In the meantime, here’s a quick breakdown by Dr.
Also, there’s no shame in seeking the help of a professional therapist if you get stuck. Both books will kick your ass and put you through an emotional boot camp. If you need a good book as a primer to figure out how to understand and process your emotions better, I recommend Brene Brown’s Rising Strong and Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage. This sounds simplistic, but it is crucial for anyone who desires strong mental health.